Thankful Thursday: Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so much to be thankful this year!

I am thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I am a sinner, but He chose do take my punishment and die for me, and every time I think about it, my eyes just well up with tears of gratitude.

I am thankful for my God, who is who He says He is, who will never leave me, forget me, or forsake me. I am thankful that He created me for His purpose, and that He has a wonderful and most perfect plan for my life. I am thankful for His unfailing love, and that He never tires of hearing from me or tires of me in general.

I am thankful for my family. We don't get along all the time, but we still love each other. My parents love to see me succeed and do whatever they can to help me get there. My sisters and I are way different, but we can still have good times together.

I am thankful for Mitch. I really don't even have the words right now. He is so loving and patient. He puts up with me when I'm uptight, and he has helped me to loosen up over the past few years. HE is always surprising me by doing something totally wonderful and unexpected. That man deserves an award, but for now he'll have to make do with my heart.

I am thankful for my boyfriend's family. They have loved me since the beginning, and I have always felt welcome. I love them all- his mom and dad, his little sister, his grandparents, aunt & uncle, and his cousin and his wife and kids. I love doing life with them, and I'm looking forward to being with everybody and celebrating today.

I am thankful for my adopted family. They took me into their lives and their hearts when I needed them most, but was pushing most people away. They saw past the hurt and anger to help me heal. They have opened their home to me, shared their wonderful little boy with me, and made me feel like I'm truly part of the family.

I am thankful for CrossFit, and the community of my box. I can't even begin to describe how overwhelmed I was this past Monday, when I just wanted to quit and the other ladies, and the coaches, and even some of the guys gathered around me to cheer me on, support me, and help me push through the last reps. That moved me so much that in addition to my tears or frustration with my body (why wouldn't it do what I wanted it to?) I was crying tears of overwhelming gratitude. I couldn't have done that without them, and I wouldn't have been able to return after my first day 3 months back if the community hadn't been so open and welcoming.

I am thankful for music, and the way I feel it deep within me. I don't doubt for a minute that the Lord has embedded music deep within my heart for a reason, and I love use it to serve and love His people.

I am thankful for my friends. We don't live in the same cities, or even the same states or countries right now. But even though distance may separate us, we're together in our hearts. And even though when school and life get busy, we may go months without really talking, or talking much at all, when we finally are reunited, it's like we didn't miss a beat.

I am thankful for the experiences I've had this year. Even though 2012 has been a roller coaster, and I frequently say that I can't wait for 2013, for a fresh start, there have been some great things in the midst of all the muck. I made friends. I went to the lake for the first time. I fell in love with a little boy, and I love being his Miss Emily. I've played with babies and toddlers, and mentored 4th and 5th graders. I've spent time finding comfort in my kitchen, in tweaking recipes and gifting others with the treats. I've made my first pie crust, and tried my hand at meals that got the boyfriend approval stamp. I've held Little Man in my arms while he slept. I've come to know the Lord on a deeper level. I've pushed myself, and I've been pushed to grow by others.

There is so much to be thankful for this year, and it isn't even done yet. What do you have to be thankful for?

Thankful Thursday: Answered Prayers

This week, I have been watching in awe as God has been answering prayers all around me, whether they be prayers regarding my life or regarding my friends' lives.

For example, we've been praying about a job that one of my friends interviewed for recently. If she was offered the job, she would be able to live in town and be closer to her friends, church, and everything in general.

Another (possibly groundbreaking) example: Instead of praying and begging for God to send me friends, or "fix" me so that I have an easier time relating to people, I have been praying for awhile now that He would help me to be content in loving Him and in having a relationship with Him; that I wouldn't be chasing after people of the world so that I would have someone to talk to (locally) and just shoot the breeze with. Funnily enough, when God became my focus, He sent me someone that I can see a friendship growing with.

But really, God answers all prayers, whether it be yes, no, not yet, I've got something better, or even any other answer that He chooses to give. While dwelling upon the "yeses" in my life recently, I've seen the "not yets" and the "something betters" that are coming, and that have come, into fruition.

I am thankful for God who reigns with Truth and Grace. I am thankful that He hears and answers prayers. I am thankful that no matter how difficult I find it to fathom, He loves me, and He wants to have an active relationship with me.

I am thankful. What are you thankful for?

Thankful Thursday: Little Teachers

Today is beautiful. Today, the adoption of a little boy that has stolen my heart (along with everybody else's) is finalized. Although he's not my son, this little man has taught me more than I could ever fathom about God's most true and perfect love for us.

The very first time I met Little Man, he stole my heart. I loved everything about him, even though he was screaming in the middle of my "grown-up talk" with his mom in Starbucks. I want the best for him, I want to protect him, and I want him to be successful.

I now that I'm not exactly a great writer by any means, nor am I a great theologian, but today, reflecting upon the finalized adoption, I better realized my relationship with God. From the moment He thought of me, He loved me. Even though I sin and fall short and break his heart, He loves me. He has a plan for my life that is greater than anything that I could ever dream up on my own. He wants the best for me, and he has the best for me. He wants to forever have a relationship with me, and He is fighting for me and will not let me go or slip away easily.

Little Man, 3 days shy of his first birthday, has shown me this. I never expected to learn through "demonstration", if you could call it that. I was looking to learn and better understand through prayer and Bible study. But I am so thankful that God chose to show me this way. It has left me newly broken over sin, and with a stronger heart for Him than ever before. This understanding, although hard, is also healing. It heals my loneliness. It draws me close. And it brings me Home.

Thank you, Little Man, for teaching me what I've been desperately wanting to learn for so long. I love you, and I am so thankful to be a part of your life. Miss Emily loves you.

Thankful Thursday: The Gift of Music

As you may or may not know, I'm a music major- a vocal music education major, to be exact. But I find that I don't stop often enough to think about what a marvelous gift I've been given.

As far as I can remember, I've been singing. We have embarrassing home videos of me making up silly songs when I was barely old enough for grade school. When I started violin, it came pretty quickly to me, and my ear has always been at least three steps ahead of my voice or my fingers. That's not something that can come from me.

No- something like that can only be gifted my my Creator, and I've found that He's drawing me closer to Himself every time I open my mouth to sing- not only in worship, but also in other settings, like a practice room or an ensemble rehearsal.

And while I'm enjoying the opportunities that the gift of music is giving me on this Earth, I can't help but look forward to and be panting for the time when I will be singing of His glory for ever and ever with the countless others who love Him.

I am thankful for the gift of music and song, because it constantly brings me closer to God. I am thankful because of the opportunities that it affords me while I'm still dwelling in this world. I am thankful.

Thankful Thursday

Last night at our on-campus worship service, my college pastor taught from Philippians 4:2-6. It's a passage that I have been attempting to clothe myself in ever since the beginning of the year. You see, 2012 didn't exactly start out on a good note for me. But I was coping and trying to give it to God, and to be thankful for the things that I did have. That's why I started keeping my gratitude journal and posting here each week so I'd keep accountable.

But the pastor said something last night that completely threw me. In one breath, he showed me how ungrateful I actually was, and what genuine thankfulness in times of strife looked like. He said that thanksgiving and thankfulness does not look like: "Well, this job sucks, but it is a job, so I can't complain, especially in this economy, so thank You, God for my job." No!

Instead, it's actively searching out the good that He is doing. It's looking for the ways that God is growing me, and the ways that He is showing me His love, and the gifts that I'm overlooking.

So, last night I went home and I took a long, hard look at myself. I saw all of the shallow "thanks" that I had been giving out, and it appalled me. For so long, I've been "thankful" for things like my boyfriend not leaving me, and still having some/most of my health. But then I started seeing what I've been missing. The joys that I hadn't even seen because I was so stuck on my trials and pain.

You often hear people say that without pain, there is no true joy. And while I may not be there yet, I hope that I can one day thank God for the trials that He's brought me to (and through) with a glad and worshipful heart.

Without the beginning of 2012, I wouldn't know what it feels like to have a child reaching specifically for you. I wouldn't be bold or self-advocating enough to tell someone I love that they're hurting, and not helping. I wouldn't be vocal enough to reach out and tell someone what I need. And I wouldn't know the joy of seeing a child's face absolutely light up when they see me or hear me.

So, today I am thankful for the trials in my life. I am thankful for the fruit is bared when I allow God to work in me through them. I am thankful for a pastor that shares God's Word, even when it's hard.

I am thankful.

Thankful Thursdays: Grace and Gratitude.

Every day, every single day, I am reminded of God's grace. I am reminded of just how good he has been to me, and I am continually humbled and thankful.

Yesterday, I told my story to someone. Actually, to two people. It was a scary thing for me to do- to tell my whole story without holding anything back. And doing that and seeing the way that they reacted made me thankful for my story, and for my past. I've been thankful for the "ending" and the "rescue" for as long as I've been a Christian, but I realized that I 'm also thankful for the ugly parts of my past that made such a beautiful rescue and such a wondrous new beginning possible.

I am thankful for God's grace. It is written all over my life, and it is such a huge part of my everyday.

I am thankful for God's rescue. He sent His Son to die so that I could be rescued from my old life. That is so often such an unfathomable blessing. There was nothing good about me, but He loved me, and He wanted me anyway.

I am thankful for God's promise. It gives me hope for the days that are yet to come.

I am thankful for the community He has placed me in. I may be on the outside most of the time, but He has shown me beautiful people.

I am thankful that I can share my story with others.

I am thankful for my Savior. I have no words for it.


Even amid the struggles and pain of this life, God has not left me, and He will not. He is continually pouring out His grace all over me. I'm nowhere near perfect, or lovely, but He loves me anyway. And I am eternally grateful.

Thankful Thursday- the Little Things

It's amazing how much I've already seen since committing to keeping a gratitude journal for 2012. There were parts of my life that I used to take for granted, but that I am now more aware of and conscious of.

This week, I have just been overwhelmed by God's grace. He has been pouring out His love for me and just constantly reminding me that He is still with me, and that He has not forsaken me. You know, so often, I'm asking Him to move mountains for me and do miraculous healings, and to intervene in huge ways. But I've been finding that His little ways of loving on me are so perfect, that they are fulfilling and huge despite their appearance.

I am so thankful for the little ways that God show me His love. What are you thankful for?

Looking Up

First, an update:

Today was actually a pretty good day. So far, there have been no tears, and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I'm glad to say that although my situation and burden hasn't been miraculously removed from me, God has been growing me every day. Things are happening in tiny increments, but I'm just glad to be climbing up out of that pit.

I realized today that it has been exactly four weeks since I had that doctor's appointment. Four weeks since my future changed. Four weeks since I was forced to start letting go of my plans and start listening for God's. My sense of time and date has been (and still is) off, so I am incredibly dependent on my calendar, my watch and alarms, and my lists. The first two weeks, I know I was a zombie. I probably couldn't tell you what I did during that time period. I know I must have done stuff, I just wasn't paying any attention. At the beginning of last week, I feel like I finally started to move forward. I finally had a big ol' cry-fest on the phone with Mitch while I proceeded to tell him everything I'd kept bottled up while I was hiding from the world. We got to have a real talk about it, something we didn't get to do before I came back to school. I started baking again. I started taking better care of my body, and caring about the food that I was putting into it. Instead of hollering at God and waiting for Him to fix everything, I dove into the Scriptures. And I am so glad that I did.

Here's some of the verses that I've been meditating on recently:

Habakkuk 3:18

Proverbs 19:21

Romans 8:26

Luke 22:42

Colossians 3:3

I'm not totally 100% yet, but I am making progress. Some days are harder than others, and I have no idea why. There's not necessarily that triggers the tears, they just invite themselves to the party.

Like I mentioned above, I have gotten back to baking. I made two batches of brownies, and I thought that I had met my baking nemesis. Good news, though! They weren't failures! (I was so preoccupied with having them turn out well that I forgot to take a picture, though. Oops.)

I also made The Pioneer Woman's cinnamon rolls. I was so excited with the way that they turned out, and I think I fell in love with the icing. So, to the dismay of my waistline, I am now trying to think of what else I could put that delicious glaze on. Cakes? Streusel muffins? I'm started to get excited!

Unfortunately, I need to really buckle down and focus on school now. Educational Psychology test in the morning, and a whole mess of things to do after that! I'll see you back here for Thankful Thursday, but for now, here's my current favorite Bible verse (aka today's favorite):

Psalm 103:17 "But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him."

Sunny Days

Today was amazing, and it was nothing short of a miracle. Today, I felt almost like myself. I honestly have not felt this good in 20 days. There was no real reason for it that I could find.

First, I didn't completely dread getting out of bed. I might even have slept through most of the night- not sure about that, though. I distinctly remember being up quite a few times.

And then, I was around people...and I handled it surprisingly well. I didn't go running off to the bathroom to hide. I still didn't look anyone in the eye, but it's a start.

I didn't hide out all day. After I went to Target to return some faulty Pyrex, I chose to go over to Wal-Mart and see if they had any that I liked to replace the set I just returned. And you know what? It was pretty crowded. But I was ok. I even went around the whole store and didn't feel like I needed to escape.

And I actually got schoolwork done! And laundry! And everything got folded and put away, too! I started losing steam before I got around to unpacking and cleaning everything, but that'll get taken care of in time.

I had so much more energy today than I've had in 20 days. I even went for a run and did a short workout with free-weights to use some of the energy. I felt more like myself than I have in awhile.

Just to show you how much like myself I was today, let me show you a few things: 

My shiny new(to me) mixer. Isn't it gorgeous? I finally felt like using it!

 And yes. Feeling like myself also means having a desire to be in the kitchen.

Confession time: It was a box mix. But I did make the frosting from scratch! And anyway, it's all about starting back somewhere.

I'm still diving into the Word and spending huge chunks of time in prayer. I'm not anywhere near healed yet, but maybe this is a start. I know that I have wonderful people who are praying for me, and that might be part of the difference. After all, Matthew 18:20 says For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them. How awesome is that?

Still clinging to His promise.

Currently.

If you've been paying attention to (or reading) my last posts, you probably know that there are things in my life that are not going how I had ever imagined they would, or how I had ever planned. Please know that I am trying so very hard to keep myself buried in the Lord, and positive, and I am trying so hard to not let it interfere with my daily life.

I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I will be totally and completely honest right now. Even though I know this isn't true, and even though I am crying out to Him so frequently and so desperately, and even though I know that He is always near, I've been feeling like God is far away from me; that He's distanced Himself from me. And if He would choose to do that, I certainly wouldn't blame Him. I am an ugly person, and I can be downright hateful. I could list a host of other reasons, but I don't feel like being that honest with myself. With you, yes. With myself? No. Because today, I can't handle that kind of honesty, or those kinds of thoughts.

But I got distracted. Regrouping...

Like I was saying, I haven't been doing a good job at moving forward. In fact, I've been doing an awful job at it. My current goal is just to make it through each day, and it is a struggle. I'm always feeling like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment. And a lot of the time, I do. This week, I even had to get up and walk out of a class because I couldn't keep myself together.

Right now, I feel like I'm wearing a mask or leading some sort of a double life (or trying to, anyway).

In one life, or with my mask on, I go about my day as normally as I can. I don't talk to anyone more than absolutely necessary. I go directly from Point A to Point B with zero detours. No passing Go, no collecting $200. I stick to my routine, with no improvisations or exceptions.

I exist, and I survive. And then I repeat.

And in the other life, the one without the mask, I don't leave my apartment. I don't listen to music. I practice for my lessons, but I don't listen to the radio. I don't sleep. I read my Bible, and I pray, and I cry. I pretend that I'm okay being by myself, and I pretend that nothing bad has happened. I do my homework, I keep my living space clean, and I try to convince myself that this doesn't change anything.

I'm obviously not doing a good job of living right now.

Because every single day, I get a reminder that things are not as they should be. Every day, I have to make sure I have a pack of tissues in my purse.

Every day, I have to live with myself. And when I don't like the person that I am, I try to change that. But I don't have the energy.


So, here I am. Sitting in a Starbucks, exhausted after attending workshops and conferences all day, and whining to the Internet because I don't want to annoy the people who know what's going on in real life. And after I leave here, I'm going back to my hotel, where I will go to bed and try to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Because tomorrow, I get to do it all again.

Tomorrow, I will be surrounded by people, but still be separate.

Tomorrow, I will focus on keeping a straight face, a strong face.

Tomorrow, I will get through the day.

And I just keep telling myself that every time I make it to the end of another day, that just marks my being one day closer to accepting. Countless prayers closer to giving it all to the Lord. And that much closer to giving Him the burden that I'm not strong enough to carry on my own.

Because right now, it's buried me. It's knocked me down, and I can't get up. That doesn't mean that I'm not trying. It just means that I am weak, and that I am still trying to move forward.

So for now, I'm going to go back to my room, and I'm going to pray. And read the Bible. And pray some more. And listen for God. And keep listening, because I know He has not and will not leave me in this mess by myself.

Ask, and Ye Shall Receive

Remember the other day when I wrote that I had started asking God to show me just how big and marvelous He is? And how He had begun responding the very next morning? Well, He didn't stop there.

God went on to remind me (and to make sure that I knew) that He has a plan for me. Oh man. I don't know why, but for some reason, when I asked God to show me how big He is, I wasn't expecting Him to begin right away. And this next thing will sound crazy, but I was also expecting Him to be more subtle. Crazy Emily, thinking like that.

This morning was probably the toughest Sunday morning I've had so far, for the sole reason that God was working in me and for me. My church has been doing a series called "Orange", and this week's sermon was titled "Pruning". In it, Pastor talked about how even though it's painful, God has to prune us so that we can bear better fruit, and also more of it. He talked about how it's during the difficult, painful, and unpleasant times of our lives that God is pruning us.

As soon as the sermon started, I knew that it was for me. I knew that God had masterminded this morning. He had allowed Sunday School to get out late, so that I would have to sit in the front during the service, so that I didn't have the option of "going to get some fresh air" a.k.a. running away once I realized what the message was. And even though it hurt, and it brought my pain right to the surface once again, I sat there, and I listened. I cried, and I recognized that God was reaching out to me yet again, showing me how Awesome, Magnificent, and Big He is, and also how much He cares for me. Even when I'm still struggling and trying to not feel anger towards Him.

So, here are the notes I took. They're not as good as listening to the actual sermon, but I'll see if I can post a link to it once it goes up on my church's website.

Pruning

1. God's plan requires pruning.

       --hang onto Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." -ESV

           -->note: if you're working toward's His purpose, all things will come together for His good. If you're not, it may still feel like random bad things are happening to you.

       --The goal of the vinedresser (God) is not our comfort, but our fruit-bearing.

       --The pain is not just random pains, but God will allow your heart to break.

2. Surviving the Pain

       --here, Pastor referenced the story of Joseph in Genesis

       --I need to be SO convinced that God has a plan for me, and HOLD ON TO THAT so tightly, no matter what!

       --If God's plan for me includes pain, I need to pray to accept it and do my best to cooperate.

           --> When I'm against the pain and fighting it, I'm fighting with the sovereign God, and I will get nowhere.

       --God allowing me pain is NO REASON to turn away from Him and towards sin.

       --Only thing I can do is SURRENDER. Challenges won't cease, but patience and peace will increase.

3. Pruning is about Focus

     --“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”  -Alexander Graham Bell

     --1 Corinthians 12:18 "But as is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose." -ESV

          --> God placed me just as He pleased, and just where He pleased. He has a reason for all of this.

You know, I am a planner. I feel more secure when I have a plan and when I know exactly what is going on and everything involved. I know in my head that I need to start giving that up, and I'm trying to put it into practice. During the invitation, I talked (sobbed) to some of my sweet friends, and eventually said what is probably the first sensible thing I've said in ages.

I know that I'm a planner by nature, and I feel like I always need to have a solid plan. Often we ask God to reveal His plan to us, so that we might know how He is shaping us, or why He is shaping our circumstances in a certain way. But honestly, I am realizing that I really don't want to know "the Plan". 

Not only will it be too big for me to fathom, it would also put too much pressure on me, and I would be tempted to change the things that I didn't like. I would mess it up and feel horrible when I did. I am human, and it is not my place to know things like that. Even though I sometimes think that I want to.

Right now, my prayer is that God will shape my heart. I pray that He will help me to love Him more and better, and that He will continue to help me grow my faith. Because I need Him, so desperately, and He is the only one who can heal my heart and bring me through the trials that are yet to come.

Matthew 21:22 "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." -ESV

Show Me.

I feel like I'm full of words today. This is really strange, because for the past week and a half, I've been in a fog, just sort of being a shell. Most of the time, I've been seconds away from crying, and not necessarily for any reason. I haven't been sleeping. I've been quiet. I've been angry. I've been distracted. And I have really not been myself. In all honesty, I haven't been in a good place.

But good things have been happening in the midst of (and in spite of) my circumstances.

Last night, I grabbed Starbucks (decaf for me) with a friend that I hadn't seen since finals week. Erin is a good friend, supportive, loving, a strong Christian, and someone that I admire in general. She is sweet and real, and I enjoy every minute that I spend with her. So, on our coffee date, Erin and I were catching up, sharing our whines and shines since this past December. I told her about what I've been going through lately (aka my current circumstances), and how I just feel abandoned.

Because here's the thing. I know Christ as my Savior. I'm saved. I strive everyday to become more like Him. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that all things come together for His Glory. I know that He loves me more than I could ever fathom. I know that all of my trust should be in Him, no matter what. And I want it to be, so badly.

But at the same time, I'm struggling. I feel like I've fallen and don't have the strength to get up again. Because a week and a half ago, I found out that something that I always thought would be part of my future, something I dreamed of and looked forward to, might not be.  My mind raced through countless possibilities of why this might have been given to me. I wondered if God had given me this situation so that my family might recognize and be moved to seek Him (as I have so often prayed for them to do.) My mind raced over countless possibilities, and I grew increasingly anxious. My frustration grew, and it seemed like a huge chasm had opened and separated me from the rest of the world, from the people I love. I became mired down and caught in a fog. I felt robbed and cheated. I was (and still am) overwhelmed. But worst of all? I felt like I had been abandoned.

Have you ever felt like that before? Felt so isolated and alone, so hurt and empty that even though you knew better, you wondered, for just a fraction of a second, if God had turned His back on you? It's the lowest feeling in the world. We're talking lower than the center of the Earth, here.

So here I am, sitting in Starbucks and pouring my heart out to Erin, and sharing my pain. Because I so desperately wanted someone to understand. There were tears- plenty of them, even. And you know what Erin did? I'll tell you first what she didn't do. She didn't criticize me. She didn't throw Scriptures of me and wash her hands of me. She didn't tell me that my faith wasn't big enough. She didn't act like my feelings and my problems were insignificant. And most importantly, she didn't even try to pretend that she's never been hurt or frustrated in her faith before.

You want to know what Erin did, though? She offered me encouragement. She sympathized. She let me be stupid and cry. She let me have time. And she offered me advice. Real advice, though. Like, things that have worked for her. And she told me how she got through her dark times. She didn't tell about those times in an attempt to downsize my situation, but she said it all in a loving way so that I might learn from her trial and error process while fumbling through my own mess. Eventually, we got around to the truths of God and who He is, and just taking time to focus on who He is (one of the things that has helped her). And then, Erin said something that caught me by surprise.

She suggested that I ask God to show me just how big, and just how awesome and powerful He is. Because He wants to impress me and love on me.

She said other wise things, but it's not all sorted out in my head yet. But I can tell you that I had never thought of asking God to show me how awesome He is before. So you know what?

I went home, and I did. I asked God to show me how big He was, because I want to focus on that instead of how big my problem is. I didn't ask Him to prove that He is God-- I already knew that, and I do know that. Instead, I was asking Him to just show me. I didn't ask for instant healing, but instead to see Him, and for Him to show me just how wrong I was, and how amazing He is.

And He did.


This morning when I woke up, there was an email in my inbox from a blog that I follow. That's not necessarily anything unusual-- I get tons of emails about new posts from the many blogs I follow. But this email, this post was something different. It had "Here I am" written all over it. I've tried journaling before with my Bible reading and prayer time, but never had much success. But the SOAP method seems like something that I can do, and that I can keep up with and be consistent with.

It may not seem like much, but I felt God answering me in that. And I am so looking forward to the other ways that He chooses to show me just how big and magnificent He is. Because I want to stop telling God how big my problems are.

Instead, I want to tell my problems-show them, even-how big and marvelous my God is.

I'm not expecting things to magically turn around. If God wills it, then it will be so. But I'm not asking Him for that. Instead, I'm asking Him to keep showing me. And I know that through this, my faith will be made stronger. I know that He will use my pain for something so wonderful that I couldn't even begin to imagine.

For now, I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago. I'm going to take things one day at a time. Plan as little as possible. And pray constantly. And day by day, by the grace of my Savior, I will get through. Because He has not abandoned me, and He never will.