Thursday, January 26, 2012


If you've been paying attention to (or reading) my last posts, you probably know that there are things in my life that are not going how I had ever imagined they would, or how I had ever planned. Please know that I am trying so very hard to keep myself buried in the Lord, and positive, and I am trying so hard to not let it interfere with my daily life.

I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I will be totally and completely honest right now. Even though I know this isn't true, and even though I am crying out to Him so frequently and so desperately, and even though I know that He is always near, I've been feeling like God is far away from me; that He's distanced Himself from me. And if He would choose to do that, I certainly wouldn't blame Him. I am an ugly person, and I can be downright hateful. I could list a host of other reasons, but I don't feel like being that honest with myself. With you, yes. With myself? No. Because today, I can't handle that kind of honesty, or those kinds of thoughts.

But I got distracted. Regrouping...

Like I was saying, I haven't been doing a good job at moving forward. In fact, I've been doing an awful job at it. My current goal is just to make it through each day, and it is a struggle. I'm always feeling like I'm about to burst into tears at any given moment. And a lot of the time, I do. This week, I even had to get up and walk out of a class because I couldn't keep myself together.

Right now, I feel like I'm wearing a mask or leading some sort of a double life (or trying to, anyway).

In one life, or with my mask on, I go about my day as normally as I can. I don't talk to anyone more than absolutely necessary. I go directly from Point A to Point B with zero detours. No passing Go, no collecting $200. I stick to my routine, with no improvisations or exceptions.

I exist, and I survive. And then I repeat.

And in the other life, the one without the mask, I don't leave my apartment. I don't listen to music. I practice for my lessons, but I don't listen to the radio. I don't sleep. I read my Bible, and I pray, and I cry. I pretend that I'm okay being by myself, and I pretend that nothing bad has happened. I do my homework, I keep my living space clean, and I try to convince myself that this doesn't change anything.

I'm obviously not doing a good job of living right now.

Because every single day, I get a reminder that things are not as they should be. Every day, I have to make sure I have a pack of tissues in my purse.

Every day, I have to live with myself. And when I don't like the person that I am, I try to change that. But I don't have the energy.

So, here I am. Sitting in a Starbucks, exhausted after attending workshops and conferences all day, and whining to the Internet because I don't want to annoy the people who know what's going on in real life. And after I leave here, I'm going back to my hotel, where I will go to bed and try to get some sleep for tomorrow.

Because tomorrow, I get to do it all again.

Tomorrow, I will be surrounded by people, but still be separate.

Tomorrow, I will focus on keeping a straight face, a strong face.

Tomorrow, I will get through the day.

And I just keep telling myself that every time I make it to the end of another day, that just marks my being one day closer to accepting. Countless prayers closer to giving it all to the Lord. And that much closer to giving Him the burden that I'm not strong enough to carry on my own.

Because right now, it's buried me. It's knocked me down, and I can't get up. That doesn't mean that I'm not trying. It just means that I am weak, and that I am still trying to move forward.

So for now, I'm going to go back to my room, and I'm going to pray. And read the Bible. And pray some more. And listen for God. And keep listening, because I know He has not and will not leave me in this mess by myself.

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