[Heavy Stuff]

I've been realizing some things lately. As much as I don't like to admit any of this, I feel like I have to get it out in the open. I'm not sure who to turn to about it in real-life, so this is as close as I'll ever get to actually admitting these weaknesses.

The more weight I lose, the more time I spend in front of the mirror.

I hate seeing pictures of myself from before, when I was fat[ter]. (pretty much any picture summer 2010-now)

The thinner I get, the more time I spend on my hair and makeup every morning.

Even though I should be happier with my appearance, I keep finding more flaws.

I have a love-hate relationship with my body. (current status: moderate-to-strong dislike)

I'm afraid, because I don't know how I'll look after I've reached goal. What if I look like some sort of freak?

I don't know how to dress a thin[ner] body. I've never done it before.

I'm afraid that as I get thinner, I won't want to dress modestly.

I'm afraid that I'm setting a poor example.

Sometimes my reflection makes me want to cry.

I think I'm allowing my weight loss to be an excuse for vanity.

I still feel like I'm not [good, skinny, pretty, kind, smart] enough.

What if I can't love myself, even after all I've been through? I've really been struggling lately. I'm having a hard time accepting myself, and I know that probably affects how others see me, even though I try to hide it.

Right now, I need one thing: prayer. Because of this struggle, I'm having a hard time praying about it myself. So if you get a chance, or if you happen to remember, please pray for me. I need it.

June has arrived, and so have small victories!

Well, looks like June showed up while I wasn't looking. Where does the time go? My summer classes started today (History and Lifetime Wellness), and from looking at the syllabus for each class, it seems like Lifetime Wellness won't be bad, while History is going to be a bear. Good news is, my wonderful boyfriend is good at history and has already agreed to help me study. Hopefully that will make it less of a chore.

So far, my summer has been filled with running, sun, and buying smaller clothes. I feel so limited right now, because I have two pairs of shorts that fit me. I've been trying to pad my wardrobe by wearing any and all sundresses I have, but that isn't working out so well. This morning, I went to put on my favorite sundress only to find that it is now much too big for me. I told myself that it was no big deal, that I'd just wear a dress from last summer. I put it on and realized that I was drowning in the fabric. So here I am, wearing my third choice of sundresses and wondering what to do about clothes for the rest of the summer. Hopefully I have some friends that are the same size as me and would be willing to loan me clothes. If not, I'll start looking for a good thrift store around here or just ride it out until I visit Springfield or until August when I'll be sure to buy clothes that fit. Even though this is increasingly annoying, it's got to be a good thing, right?

I had a non-scale-victory this morning, too. Since it was already 85 degrees when i was ready to go running at 7:30, I stayed inside and ran on the treadmill instead. I'm really glad that I did, because I got to see how far I've already come. Just a month ago, I could barely run a quarter of a mile. Today, I ran a full mile without stopping, and I want to see if I can do better the next time I use the treadmill. Normally, I do all of my running and walking outside. My street is 2.4 miles from my house to the end, back to the other end, and then back to my house again. There are several large hills in there, so I get a pretty good workout. When I started doing this route a month ago, it took me 45 minutes to finish it. Now, I'm doing the same route in just a little under 30. I am very excited about this progress, and it just goes to show that success in weight loss doesn't necessarily have to come from the scale.

I am so excited about all of this. My friend and I might be going swimsuit shopping this week, so we'll see how that turns out!

Any tips for making the most of my weight loss or new-found fitness?