16 weeks and 39 lbs Skinnier

I just want to start off by saying that this was a hard post to do. I've been thinking about it for awhile now, and I need to just bite the bullet. So...

Here I am. I started Weight Watchers 16 weeks ago, and I've come a long way. To show you just how far I've come, I grossed myself out and went looking for a picture to show you of how I looked "before."

This picture was taken just after my family arrived in Hawaii, December 2010. (from left to right, me, my sister Valerie, my sister Lisa)

At this point, I probably weighed somewhere around 190 lbs. I felt gross, and I had been wanting to join WW for a few months already. I just never managed to work up the nerve. Over the next few months, my weight snuck a little higher. I started hanging at 195-196, and those were very scary numbers to me. I was 19 years old. I stood 5'6". And I weighed almost 200 lbs. There was no way that I could let that happen.

I started out just trying to eat better on my own. Like most people trying to diet, I kept saying, "Oh, I'll start tomorrow (next week, a different day)." When I managed to discipline myself a bit more, I ended up eating a lot of salads, which didn't work for me at all. (I was on a really weird schedule with classes and eating, and the dining hall seemed to never put out fresh salad. Can I just say that lettuce that has been sitting out forever is gross? Because it is.)

So, in April, I went to dinner with one of my friends, and found out that she was doing WW. And that was the final push that I needed. I didn't have to go to meetings alone! So, April 16th, I got up early and went to a meeting at the crack of dawn. The leader introduced me to the program, and I learned about what was really going to work. No fad diets. No crash diets. Just real people, and real food.

From that day on, I started eating better, eating smarter, and exercising. I still indulge every once in awhile, I'm just smarter about when and how much. In fact, I've found that I can't eat too much of anything even halfway rich anymore. It's just too much! Besides, any "diet" where you completely restrict yourself is doomed to fail. You can't deny yourself all the time. It sets you up for failure. So, I just plan ahead for indulging. Or I get to the Muny and decide that instead of the pretzel I was thinking about earlier, I'm going to have the chocolate-covered cheesecake instead. And that's ok.

But anyway, here I am 16 weeks after joining Weight Watchers. Right now, I've lost:

• 39 lbs 
• about 3 or 4 pants sizes
• 3 dress sizes
• at least 2 shirt sizes

And I've gained a lot of confidence. I still have 20 lbs to go, but I already feel so much better about myself. I'm not afraid of the mirror anymore!

current weight: 157.6 lbs

Wrapping up July

Well, it seems like the summer has just managed to slip out from between my fingers. I mean, really, where did it go? Two weeks from now, I'll be moving my furniture into my apartment, and in one month, I'll be back in school! And I'm not even done with my summer school until the end of this week...

I've been slacking on my exercising lately, but I'm not letting that happen anymore. Last week I was traveling between Springfield, Jeff City, and home, so trying to fit in a run just stressed me out more. Now that things are finally slowing down for a second, though, I can get myself moving again.

My weight loss has still been going well. I have now lost a total of 35.6 lbs, and I'm thinking of changing my goal weight. I am honestly curious to see if I can get lower than 145 (my original goal). If I can, then fantastic! If not, then I'll have learned what my body can and cannot do.

I'm still finding clothes to be both fabulous and frustrating. Although I now have a much wider range of options, I still haven't really figured out how to dress my new figure. Maybe that can be cured with a day at the mall? But lately I've been altering and taking in some of my clothes so that I can still wear them (like my two "church dresses"). Aside from that, everything that doesn't fit anymore and isn't worth altering is either being donated or re-sold.

Since I'm going to have approximately 2 weeks of summer, I've decided to make them count. Next week, I go to Branson with my mom and sisters for 5 days. Then, I get to come home and head back to Springfield the next day with my boyfriend so that we can get my furniture moved into my apartment. (I'm hoping to squeeze Branson in there again, too.) Hopefully I'll find someone to help us move everything in, since my back has really been bothering me again in the past few weeks. And maybe I'll even get to see some friends while I'm there! Then after this, I come home again, work a 4-day shoot, and then get ready to move back for real. So much to do, and so little time!

I'm really looking forward to what this year has to offer. So many opportunities to make new friends, and to see the sweet girls I already know and love. More opportunities to serve and love on the community. And I absolutely cannot wait.

Ramblings

My last post was sort of (well, really) whiny. To fix that mindset, I stood in front of the mirror every morning and complimented myself. It had to be something different each day, and it had to be sincere. After all, if I wouldn't lie to one of my friends, why should I lie to myself?

Doing this has made me realize a lot of other things that I've done, or things that are different than before. For example, I can tolerate more foods now--like milk! Before, I couldn't stand the stuff. It had to be chocolate milk, or I had no chance of being able to force it down. And then there's that other food I've been working on, sushi. I have wanted to like sushi for what seems like an eternity. I mean, it always sounds like a good idea. And today, I had a California roll again for the first time in a few months, and I liked it! This girl is excited. Another newly appreciated place is Starbucks. I am so excited to be getting closer to drinking real coffee.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to force myself to start liking everything that I want to. Carrots? Nope. I want to like carrots, I really do. After all, they're good for you, and they're an easy snack food. I just can't do it, though. Don't get me wrong, I'll still eat them in the hopes that maybe I'll like the next bite. But I'm still waiting.

This morning, I had my entire life for the next semester flipped upside-down. One of my best friends has decided that she won't be going to my school next semester. I'm thrilled that she's found something that she really wants to do (go to pastry school). I've been praying about that for ages. I was just really shocked that she hadn't told me until now, when she's known for 2 or 3 weeks already.

I think the biggest thing about that, though, was that I realized that this just may be another lonely semester. I don't know why I'm so broken. I don't know why I have trouble connecting with people and bonding. I don't know why I have so much difficulty making friends. This pity party is now over.

I've also decided that I need to start standing up for myself. Completely unrelated, but I would love it if someone would keep me accountable and ask how that's going.

I get the keys to my apartment on Monday! Moving little stuff down with my mom right away, then moving everything else who-knows-when. Either whenever my dad can do it or whenever my boyfriend can. It'll get done though. I'm not allowing myself to freak out about the fact that my summer is disappearing and has basically disappeared already.

32 pounds down!

[Heavy Stuff]

I've been realizing some things lately. As much as I don't like to admit any of this, I feel like I have to get it out in the open. I'm not sure who to turn to about it in real-life, so this is as close as I'll ever get to actually admitting these weaknesses.

The more weight I lose, the more time I spend in front of the mirror.

I hate seeing pictures of myself from before, when I was fat[ter]. (pretty much any picture summer 2010-now)

The thinner I get, the more time I spend on my hair and makeup every morning.

Even though I should be happier with my appearance, I keep finding more flaws.

I have a love-hate relationship with my body. (current status: moderate-to-strong dislike)

I'm afraid, because I don't know how I'll look after I've reached goal. What if I look like some sort of freak?

I don't know how to dress a thin[ner] body. I've never done it before.

I'm afraid that as I get thinner, I won't want to dress modestly.

I'm afraid that I'm setting a poor example.

Sometimes my reflection makes me want to cry.

I think I'm allowing my weight loss to be an excuse for vanity.

I still feel like I'm not [good, skinny, pretty, kind, smart] enough.

What if I can't love myself, even after all I've been through? I've really been struggling lately. I'm having a hard time accepting myself, and I know that probably affects how others see me, even though I try to hide it.

Right now, I need one thing: prayer. Because of this struggle, I'm having a hard time praying about it myself. So if you get a chance, or if you happen to remember, please pray for me. I need it.

Snickerdoodle Days of Summer

Lately, I've picked up a new hobby of constantly thinking about crafting, baking, and recipes in general. I don't know if this is because I'll be moving into my apartment in a few months or if I'm finally realizing how cool these things are.

One of my current obsessions is cupcake and cookie recipes. I've started following some blogs, and there is just so much cool stuff! Last night, I finally broke down and baked up a storm. My sister and I had the house to ourselves, so we did what any teenagers would do...we took over the kitchen!

The first experiment of the night was a batch of snickerdoodle cupcakes topped with snickerdoodle cookies. I got the idea and recipes from that link, but we used a different icing recipe, which I'll post when we get around to it.

The cupcakes went together pretty uneventfully. My part of the process went off without a hitch.

Valerie ran into some trouble with spooning out our cupcakes, though. Let's just say that some of them weren't very pretty.

The pretty ones turned out well, though.

As soon as we had those on the cooling rack, we moved onto the cookies. Once again, they were easy enough to make.

 There was no cinnamon in the cookies, so I made sure to roll them in plenty of the cinnamon sugar. I like my snickerdoodles to have a good kick to them.

Cheesin' while scooping out the dough.

And here are our pretty cookies! Val made up the frosting while I started on the blueberry muffins. Before I get any further, let me warn you: these muffins are usually done after about 15 minutes, instead of 20. They always come out really light and they don't look like they're done. But as i learned the hard way, if they're starting to get golden on top, they're probably burning, too. 

I made a batch of regular ones, and then I made a second batch and added the zest of two lemons. I don't think there was enough lemon in it, though...next time, I'll add more. Maybe experiment with a larger amount of lemon juice?

 Here's the icing recipe that we used:

Vanilla Buttercream Frosting

1 1/2 cups margarine, softened

4 cups sifted powdered sugar

2 Tbsp milk

1 tsp vanilla extract

Cream butter at medium speed of an electric mixer; gradually add sugar, beating until light and fluffy. Add milk; beat until spreading consistency, then stir in vanilla. Yields about 3 cups.

What Val's doing here is piping icing onto the cupcake, topping it with a cookie, and then topping it off with another dollop of icing. (Actually, in this picture, she's messing around with the extra cookies.) Then, we sprinkled some of the cinnamon sugar left over from the cookies onto the iced cupcakes.

 And, here we are! These Snickerdoodles are ready to eat.

And the muffins don't look too bad, either!

All in all, I'd say it was a fun night. Probably a diet-blowing night, but still a fun one.

Milestones and Changes

Well, first things first. I feel like running and shouting this from the rooftops, but...

I reached the 25 lb milestone!

Actually, I've lost 28 lbs as of yesterday, and I don't think I could possibly be more excited. I've also dropped 3 pants sizes. Even better, I have a wonderful mom who is willing to take me shopping so that I have clothes that fit at all stages of my weight loss. She is fantastic, and so supportive, and I don't think I could have made it this far if she hadn't been doing this with me. (Sorry, had to brag on her a bit.) But 28 lbs? That's what my backpack usually weighs (it's pretty heavy), and I sure don't like lugging that around all the time. I'm really starting to be able to tell that I've lost weight, too. When I look in the mirror, there are more differences now than ever before. For example, my dresses don't get hung up on my hips anymore! I was pretty excited about that. After all, who doesn't like to look good in their clothes?

In other news, I got a haircut! I was trying to grow it out, but I just wanted to do something different for myself now since I've lost so much weight.

It curls better! The only bad part is that I have to straighten my bangs every day, otherwise I look weird.

That reminds me. Does anyone have any good tips to avoid getting zits where my bangs lay? Would letting up on the hairspray do the trick? Or should I take a few days each month and pull my bangs off of my face? Anybody been here before?

Re-discovered Inspiration

I came across this today while tidying up my laptop. It made me smile, because one of my friends sent me this exact paragraph when I was struggling with connecting to people this year.

Yes, Emily, you ARE different. In fact I don't know a single person quite like you. Some share the same love for music, or have a good temperament nearly all the time, but I can say without a second thought that you are separate from all others. Everyone is in some way (which I know is a textbook saying), but whether that difference makes us a better person or worse person is what counts. They never care to mention that everyone "being special in their own way" can sometimes be a special on the wrong side of the playing field. The good news is, however, you're all in the right side of the playing field. While you may be far different from me, having different interests and the like, I still hold you as my friend. Differences don't keep us apart, it's just those around you who are missing out by not enjoying you for those differences. You may find you're just not talking to the right people yet if the ones you're around now are causing you to question yourself.

It just gave me some inspiration, and I hope that I don't forget this again.