Wrapping up July

Well, it seems like the summer has just managed to slip out from between my fingers. I mean, really, where did it go? Two weeks from now, I'll be moving my furniture into my apartment, and in one month, I'll be back in school! And I'm not even done with my summer school until the end of this week...

I've been slacking on my exercising lately, but I'm not letting that happen anymore. Last week I was traveling between Springfield, Jeff City, and home, so trying to fit in a run just stressed me out more. Now that things are finally slowing down for a second, though, I can get myself moving again.

My weight loss has still been going well. I have now lost a total of 35.6 lbs, and I'm thinking of changing my goal weight. I am honestly curious to see if I can get lower than 145 (my original goal). If I can, then fantastic! If not, then I'll have learned what my body can and cannot do.

I'm still finding clothes to be both fabulous and frustrating. Although I now have a much wider range of options, I still haven't really figured out how to dress my new figure. Maybe that can be cured with a day at the mall? But lately I've been altering and taking in some of my clothes so that I can still wear them (like my two "church dresses"). Aside from that, everything that doesn't fit anymore and isn't worth altering is either being donated or re-sold.

Since I'm going to have approximately 2 weeks of summer, I've decided to make them count. Next week, I go to Branson with my mom and sisters for 5 days. Then, I get to come home and head back to Springfield the next day with my boyfriend so that we can get my furniture moved into my apartment. (I'm hoping to squeeze Branson in there again, too.) Hopefully I'll find someone to help us move everything in, since my back has really been bothering me again in the past few weeks. And maybe I'll even get to see some friends while I'm there! Then after this, I come home again, work a 4-day shoot, and then get ready to move back for real. So much to do, and so little time!

I'm really looking forward to what this year has to offer. So many opportunities to make new friends, and to see the sweet girls I already know and love. More opportunities to serve and love on the community. And I absolutely cannot wait.

Ramblings

My last post was sort of (well, really) whiny. To fix that mindset, I stood in front of the mirror every morning and complimented myself. It had to be something different each day, and it had to be sincere. After all, if I wouldn't lie to one of my friends, why should I lie to myself?

Doing this has made me realize a lot of other things that I've done, or things that are different than before. For example, I can tolerate more foods now--like milk! Before, I couldn't stand the stuff. It had to be chocolate milk, or I had no chance of being able to force it down. And then there's that other food I've been working on, sushi. I have wanted to like sushi for what seems like an eternity. I mean, it always sounds like a good idea. And today, I had a California roll again for the first time in a few months, and I liked it! This girl is excited. Another newly appreciated place is Starbucks. I am so excited to be getting closer to drinking real coffee.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to force myself to start liking everything that I want to. Carrots? Nope. I want to like carrots, I really do. After all, they're good for you, and they're an easy snack food. I just can't do it, though. Don't get me wrong, I'll still eat them in the hopes that maybe I'll like the next bite. But I'm still waiting.

This morning, I had my entire life for the next semester flipped upside-down. One of my best friends has decided that she won't be going to my school next semester. I'm thrilled that she's found something that she really wants to do (go to pastry school). I've been praying about that for ages. I was just really shocked that she hadn't told me until now, when she's known for 2 or 3 weeks already.

I think the biggest thing about that, though, was that I realized that this just may be another lonely semester. I don't know why I'm so broken. I don't know why I have trouble connecting with people and bonding. I don't know why I have so much difficulty making friends. This pity party is now over.

I've also decided that I need to start standing up for myself. Completely unrelated, but I would love it if someone would keep me accountable and ask how that's going.

I get the keys to my apartment on Monday! Moving little stuff down with my mom right away, then moving everything else who-knows-when. Either whenever my dad can do it or whenever my boyfriend can. It'll get done though. I'm not allowing myself to freak out about the fact that my summer is disappearing and has basically disappeared already.

32 pounds down!

[Heavy Stuff]

I've been realizing some things lately. As much as I don't like to admit any of this, I feel like I have to get it out in the open. I'm not sure who to turn to about it in real-life, so this is as close as I'll ever get to actually admitting these weaknesses.

The more weight I lose, the more time I spend in front of the mirror.

I hate seeing pictures of myself from before, when I was fat[ter]. (pretty much any picture summer 2010-now)

The thinner I get, the more time I spend on my hair and makeup every morning.

Even though I should be happier with my appearance, I keep finding more flaws.

I have a love-hate relationship with my body. (current status: moderate-to-strong dislike)

I'm afraid, because I don't know how I'll look after I've reached goal. What if I look like some sort of freak?

I don't know how to dress a thin[ner] body. I've never done it before.

I'm afraid that as I get thinner, I won't want to dress modestly.

I'm afraid that I'm setting a poor example.

Sometimes my reflection makes me want to cry.

I think I'm allowing my weight loss to be an excuse for vanity.

I still feel like I'm not [good, skinny, pretty, kind, smart] enough.

What if I can't love myself, even after all I've been through? I've really been struggling lately. I'm having a hard time accepting myself, and I know that probably affects how others see me, even though I try to hide it.

Right now, I need one thing: prayer. Because of this struggle, I'm having a hard time praying about it myself. So if you get a chance, or if you happen to remember, please pray for me. I need it.

Snickerdoodle Days of Summer

Lately, I've picked up a new hobby of constantly thinking about crafting, baking, and recipes in general. I don't know if this is because I'll be moving into my apartment in a few months or if I'm finally realizing how cool these things are.

One of my current obsessions is cupcake and cookie recipes. I've started following some blogs, and there is just so much cool stuff! Last night, I finally broke down and baked up a storm. My sister and I had the house to ourselves, so we did what any teenagers would do...we took over the kitchen!

The first experiment of the night was a batch of snickerdoodle cupcakes topped with snickerdoodle cookies. I got the idea and recipes from that link, but we used a different icing recipe, which I'll post when we get around to it.

The cupcakes went together pretty uneventfully. My part of the process went off without a hitch.

Valerie ran into some trouble with spooning out our cupcakes, though. Let's just say that some of them weren't very pretty.

The pretty ones turned out well, though.

As soon as we had those on the cooling rack, we moved onto the cookies. Once again, they were easy enough to make.

 There was no cinnamon in the cookies, so I made sure to roll them in plenty of the cinnamon sugar. I like my snickerdoodles to have a good kick to them.

Cheesin' while scooping out the dough.

And here are our pretty cookies! Val made up the frosting while I started on the blueberry muffins. Before I get any further, let me warn you: these muffins are usually done after about 15 minutes, instead of 20. They always come out really light and they don't look like they're done. But as i learned the hard way, if they're starting to get golden on top, they're probably burning, too. 

I made a batch of regular ones, and then I made a second batch and added the zest of two lemons. I don't think there was enough lemon in it, though...next time, I'll add more. Maybe experiment with a larger amount of lemon juice?

 Here's the icing recipe that we used:

Vanilla Buttercream Frosting

1 1/2 cups margarine, softened

4 cups sifted powdered sugar

2 Tbsp milk

1 tsp vanilla extract

Cream butter at medium speed of an electric mixer; gradually add sugar, beating until light and fluffy. Add milk; beat until spreading consistency, then stir in vanilla. Yields about 3 cups.

What Val's doing here is piping icing onto the cupcake, topping it with a cookie, and then topping it off with another dollop of icing. (Actually, in this picture, she's messing around with the extra cookies.) Then, we sprinkled some of the cinnamon sugar left over from the cookies onto the iced cupcakes.

 And, here we are! These Snickerdoodles are ready to eat.

And the muffins don't look too bad, either!

All in all, I'd say it was a fun night. Probably a diet-blowing night, but still a fun one.

Milestones and Changes

Well, first things first. I feel like running and shouting this from the rooftops, but...

I reached the 25 lb milestone!

Actually, I've lost 28 lbs as of yesterday, and I don't think I could possibly be more excited. I've also dropped 3 pants sizes. Even better, I have a wonderful mom who is willing to take me shopping so that I have clothes that fit at all stages of my weight loss. She is fantastic, and so supportive, and I don't think I could have made it this far if she hadn't been doing this with me. (Sorry, had to brag on her a bit.) But 28 lbs? That's what my backpack usually weighs (it's pretty heavy), and I sure don't like lugging that around all the time. I'm really starting to be able to tell that I've lost weight, too. When I look in the mirror, there are more differences now than ever before. For example, my dresses don't get hung up on my hips anymore! I was pretty excited about that. After all, who doesn't like to look good in their clothes?

In other news, I got a haircut! I was trying to grow it out, but I just wanted to do something different for myself now since I've lost so much weight.

It curls better! The only bad part is that I have to straighten my bangs every day, otherwise I look weird.

That reminds me. Does anyone have any good tips to avoid getting zits where my bangs lay? Would letting up on the hairspray do the trick? Or should I take a few days each month and pull my bangs off of my face? Anybody been here before?

Re-discovered Inspiration

I came across this today while tidying up my laptop. It made me smile, because one of my friends sent me this exact paragraph when I was struggling with connecting to people this year.

Yes, Emily, you ARE different. In fact I don't know a single person quite like you. Some share the same love for music, or have a good temperament nearly all the time, but I can say without a second thought that you are separate from all others. Everyone is in some way (which I know is a textbook saying), but whether that difference makes us a better person or worse person is what counts. They never care to mention that everyone "being special in their own way" can sometimes be a special on the wrong side of the playing field. The good news is, however, you're all in the right side of the playing field. While you may be far different from me, having different interests and the like, I still hold you as my friend. Differences don't keep us apart, it's just those around you who are missing out by not enjoying you for those differences. You may find you're just not talking to the right people yet if the ones you're around now are causing you to question yourself.

It just gave me some inspiration, and I hope that I don't forget this again.

June has arrived, and so have small victories!

Well, looks like June showed up while I wasn't looking. Where does the time go? My summer classes started today (History and Lifetime Wellness), and from looking at the syllabus for each class, it seems like Lifetime Wellness won't be bad, while History is going to be a bear. Good news is, my wonderful boyfriend is good at history and has already agreed to help me study. Hopefully that will make it less of a chore.

So far, my summer has been filled with running, sun, and buying smaller clothes. I feel so limited right now, because I have two pairs of shorts that fit me. I've been trying to pad my wardrobe by wearing any and all sundresses I have, but that isn't working out so well. This morning, I went to put on my favorite sundress only to find that it is now much too big for me. I told myself that it was no big deal, that I'd just wear a dress from last summer. I put it on and realized that I was drowning in the fabric. So here I am, wearing my third choice of sundresses and wondering what to do about clothes for the rest of the summer. Hopefully I have some friends that are the same size as me and would be willing to loan me clothes. If not, I'll start looking for a good thrift store around here or just ride it out until I visit Springfield or until August when I'll be sure to buy clothes that fit. Even though this is increasingly annoying, it's got to be a good thing, right?

I had a non-scale-victory this morning, too. Since it was already 85 degrees when i was ready to go running at 7:30, I stayed inside and ran on the treadmill instead. I'm really glad that I did, because I got to see how far I've already come. Just a month ago, I could barely run a quarter of a mile. Today, I ran a full mile without stopping, and I want to see if I can do better the next time I use the treadmill. Normally, I do all of my running and walking outside. My street is 2.4 miles from my house to the end, back to the other end, and then back to my house again. There are several large hills in there, so I get a pretty good workout. When I started doing this route a month ago, it took me 45 minutes to finish it. Now, I'm doing the same route in just a little under 30. I am very excited about this progress, and it just goes to show that success in weight loss doesn't necessarily have to come from the scale.

I am so excited about all of this. My friend and I might be going swimsuit shopping this week, so we'll see how that turns out!

Any tips for making the most of my weight loss or new-found fitness?