16 weeks and 39 lbs Skinnier

I just want to start off by saying that this was a hard post to do. I've been thinking about it for awhile now, and I need to just bite the bullet. So...

Here I am. I started Weight Watchers 16 weeks ago, and I've come a long way. To show you just how far I've come, I grossed myself out and went looking for a picture to show you of how I looked "before."

This picture was taken just after my family arrived in Hawaii, December 2010. (from left to right, me, my sister Valerie, my sister Lisa)

At this point, I probably weighed somewhere around 190 lbs. I felt gross, and I had been wanting to join WW for a few months already. I just never managed to work up the nerve. Over the next few months, my weight snuck a little higher. I started hanging at 195-196, and those were very scary numbers to me. I was 19 years old. I stood 5'6". And I weighed almost 200 lbs. There was no way that I could let that happen.

I started out just trying to eat better on my own. Like most people trying to diet, I kept saying, "Oh, I'll start tomorrow (next week, a different day)." When I managed to discipline myself a bit more, I ended up eating a lot of salads, which didn't work for me at all. (I was on a really weird schedule with classes and eating, and the dining hall seemed to never put out fresh salad. Can I just say that lettuce that has been sitting out forever is gross? Because it is.)

So, in April, I went to dinner with one of my friends, and found out that she was doing WW. And that was the final push that I needed. I didn't have to go to meetings alone! So, April 16th, I got up early and went to a meeting at the crack of dawn. The leader introduced me to the program, and I learned about what was really going to work. No fad diets. No crash diets. Just real people, and real food.

From that day on, I started eating better, eating smarter, and exercising. I still indulge every once in awhile, I'm just smarter about when and how much. In fact, I've found that I can't eat too much of anything even halfway rich anymore. It's just too much! Besides, any "diet" where you completely restrict yourself is doomed to fail. You can't deny yourself all the time. It sets you up for failure. So, I just plan ahead for indulging. Or I get to the Muny and decide that instead of the pretzel I was thinking about earlier, I'm going to have the chocolate-covered cheesecake instead. And that's ok.

But anyway, here I am 16 weeks after joining Weight Watchers. Right now, I've lost:

• 39 lbs 
• about 3 or 4 pants sizes
• 3 dress sizes
• at least 2 shirt sizes

And I've gained a lot of confidence. I still have 20 lbs to go, but I already feel so much better about myself. I'm not afraid of the mirror anymore!

current weight: 157.6 lbs

Wrapping up July

Well, it seems like the summer has just managed to slip out from between my fingers. I mean, really, where did it go? Two weeks from now, I'll be moving my furniture into my apartment, and in one month, I'll be back in school! And I'm not even done with my summer school until the end of this week...

I've been slacking on my exercising lately, but I'm not letting that happen anymore. Last week I was traveling between Springfield, Jeff City, and home, so trying to fit in a run just stressed me out more. Now that things are finally slowing down for a second, though, I can get myself moving again.

My weight loss has still been going well. I have now lost a total of 35.6 lbs, and I'm thinking of changing my goal weight. I am honestly curious to see if I can get lower than 145 (my original goal). If I can, then fantastic! If not, then I'll have learned what my body can and cannot do.

I'm still finding clothes to be both fabulous and frustrating. Although I now have a much wider range of options, I still haven't really figured out how to dress my new figure. Maybe that can be cured with a day at the mall? But lately I've been altering and taking in some of my clothes so that I can still wear them (like my two "church dresses"). Aside from that, everything that doesn't fit anymore and isn't worth altering is either being donated or re-sold.

Since I'm going to have approximately 2 weeks of summer, I've decided to make them count. Next week, I go to Branson with my mom and sisters for 5 days. Then, I get to come home and head back to Springfield the next day with my boyfriend so that we can get my furniture moved into my apartment. (I'm hoping to squeeze Branson in there again, too.) Hopefully I'll find someone to help us move everything in, since my back has really been bothering me again in the past few weeks. And maybe I'll even get to see some friends while I'm there! Then after this, I come home again, work a 4-day shoot, and then get ready to move back for real. So much to do, and so little time!

I'm really looking forward to what this year has to offer. So many opportunities to make new friends, and to see the sweet girls I already know and love. More opportunities to serve and love on the community. And I absolutely cannot wait.

Ramblings

My last post was sort of (well, really) whiny. To fix that mindset, I stood in front of the mirror every morning and complimented myself. It had to be something different each day, and it had to be sincere. After all, if I wouldn't lie to one of my friends, why should I lie to myself?

Doing this has made me realize a lot of other things that I've done, or things that are different than before. For example, I can tolerate more foods now--like milk! Before, I couldn't stand the stuff. It had to be chocolate milk, or I had no chance of being able to force it down. And then there's that other food I've been working on, sushi. I have wanted to like sushi for what seems like an eternity. I mean, it always sounds like a good idea. And today, I had a California roll again for the first time in a few months, and I liked it! This girl is excited. Another newly appreciated place is Starbucks. I am so excited to be getting closer to drinking real coffee.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to force myself to start liking everything that I want to. Carrots? Nope. I want to like carrots, I really do. After all, they're good for you, and they're an easy snack food. I just can't do it, though. Don't get me wrong, I'll still eat them in the hopes that maybe I'll like the next bite. But I'm still waiting.

This morning, I had my entire life for the next semester flipped upside-down. One of my best friends has decided that she won't be going to my school next semester. I'm thrilled that she's found something that she really wants to do (go to pastry school). I've been praying about that for ages. I was just really shocked that she hadn't told me until now, when she's known for 2 or 3 weeks already.

I think the biggest thing about that, though, was that I realized that this just may be another lonely semester. I don't know why I'm so broken. I don't know why I have trouble connecting with people and bonding. I don't know why I have so much difficulty making friends. This pity party is now over.

I've also decided that I need to start standing up for myself. Completely unrelated, but I would love it if someone would keep me accountable and ask how that's going.

I get the keys to my apartment on Monday! Moving little stuff down with my mom right away, then moving everything else who-knows-when. Either whenever my dad can do it or whenever my boyfriend can. It'll get done though. I'm not allowing myself to freak out about the fact that my summer is disappearing and has basically disappeared already.

32 pounds down!

[Heavy Stuff]

I've been realizing some things lately. As much as I don't like to admit any of this, I feel like I have to get it out in the open. I'm not sure who to turn to about it in real-life, so this is as close as I'll ever get to actually admitting these weaknesses.

The more weight I lose, the more time I spend in front of the mirror.

I hate seeing pictures of myself from before, when I was fat[ter]. (pretty much any picture summer 2010-now)

The thinner I get, the more time I spend on my hair and makeup every morning.

Even though I should be happier with my appearance, I keep finding more flaws.

I have a love-hate relationship with my body. (current status: moderate-to-strong dislike)

I'm afraid, because I don't know how I'll look after I've reached goal. What if I look like some sort of freak?

I don't know how to dress a thin[ner] body. I've never done it before.

I'm afraid that as I get thinner, I won't want to dress modestly.

I'm afraid that I'm setting a poor example.

Sometimes my reflection makes me want to cry.

I think I'm allowing my weight loss to be an excuse for vanity.

I still feel like I'm not [good, skinny, pretty, kind, smart] enough.

What if I can't love myself, even after all I've been through? I've really been struggling lately. I'm having a hard time accepting myself, and I know that probably affects how others see me, even though I try to hide it.

Right now, I need one thing: prayer. Because of this struggle, I'm having a hard time praying about it myself. So if you get a chance, or if you happen to remember, please pray for me. I need it.