Show Me.

I feel like I'm full of words today. This is really strange, because for the past week and a half, I've been in a fog, just sort of being a shell. Most of the time, I've been seconds away from crying, and not necessarily for any reason. I haven't been sleeping. I've been quiet. I've been angry. I've been distracted. And I have really not been myself. In all honesty, I haven't been in a good place.

But good things have been happening in the midst of (and in spite of) my circumstances.

Last night, I grabbed Starbucks (decaf for me) with a friend that I hadn't seen since finals week. Erin is a good friend, supportive, loving, a strong Christian, and someone that I admire in general. She is sweet and real, and I enjoy every minute that I spend with her. So, on our coffee date, Erin and I were catching up, sharing our whines and shines since this past December. I told her about what I've been going through lately (aka my current circumstances), and how I just feel abandoned.

Because here's the thing. I know Christ as my Savior. I'm saved. I strive everyday to become more like Him. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that all things come together for His Glory. I know that He loves me more than I could ever fathom. I know that all of my trust should be in Him, no matter what. And I want it to be, so badly.

But at the same time, I'm struggling. I feel like I've fallen and don't have the strength to get up again. Because a week and a half ago, I found out that something that I always thought would be part of my future, something I dreamed of and looked forward to, might not be.  My mind raced through countless possibilities of why this might have been given to me. I wondered if God had given me this situation so that my family might recognize and be moved to seek Him (as I have so often prayed for them to do.) My mind raced over countless possibilities, and I grew increasingly anxious. My frustration grew, and it seemed like a huge chasm had opened and separated me from the rest of the world, from the people I love. I became mired down and caught in a fog. I felt robbed and cheated. I was (and still am) overwhelmed. But worst of all? I felt like I had been abandoned.

Have you ever felt like that before? Felt so isolated and alone, so hurt and empty that even though you knew better, you wondered, for just a fraction of a second, if God had turned His back on you? It's the lowest feeling in the world. We're talking lower than the center of the Earth, here.

So here I am, sitting in Starbucks and pouring my heart out to Erin, and sharing my pain. Because I so desperately wanted someone to understand. There were tears- plenty of them, even. And you know what Erin did? I'll tell you first what she didn't do. She didn't criticize me. She didn't throw Scriptures of me and wash her hands of me. She didn't tell me that my faith wasn't big enough. She didn't act like my feelings and my problems were insignificant. And most importantly, she didn't even try to pretend that she's never been hurt or frustrated in her faith before.

You want to know what Erin did, though? She offered me encouragement. She sympathized. She let me be stupid and cry. She let me have time. And she offered me advice. Real advice, though. Like, things that have worked for her. And she told me how she got through her dark times. She didn't tell about those times in an attempt to downsize my situation, but she said it all in a loving way so that I might learn from her trial and error process while fumbling through my own mess. Eventually, we got around to the truths of God and who He is, and just taking time to focus on who He is (one of the things that has helped her). And then, Erin said something that caught me by surprise.

She suggested that I ask God to show me just how big, and just how awesome and powerful He is. Because He wants to impress me and love on me.

She said other wise things, but it's not all sorted out in my head yet. But I can tell you that I had never thought of asking God to show me how awesome He is before. So you know what?

I went home, and I did. I asked God to show me how big He was, because I want to focus on that instead of how big my problem is. I didn't ask Him to prove that He is God-- I already knew that, and I do know that. Instead, I was asking Him to just show me. I didn't ask for instant healing, but instead to see Him, and for Him to show me just how wrong I was, and how amazing He is.

And He did.


This morning when I woke up, there was an email in my inbox from a blog that I follow. That's not necessarily anything unusual-- I get tons of emails about new posts from the many blogs I follow. But this email, this post was something different. It had "Here I am" written all over it. I've tried journaling before with my Bible reading and prayer time, but never had much success. But the SOAP method seems like something that I can do, and that I can keep up with and be consistent with.

It may not seem like much, but I felt God answering me in that. And I am so looking forward to the other ways that He chooses to show me just how big and magnificent He is. Because I want to stop telling God how big my problems are.

Instead, I want to tell my problems-show them, even-how big and marvelous my God is.

I'm not expecting things to magically turn around. If God wills it, then it will be so. But I'm not asking Him for that. Instead, I'm asking Him to keep showing me. And I know that through this, my faith will be made stronger. I know that He will use my pain for something so wonderful that I couldn't even begin to imagine.

For now, I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago. I'm going to take things one day at a time. Plan as little as possible. And pray constantly. And day by day, by the grace of my Savior, I will get through. Because He has not abandoned me, and He never will.

A Week in my Kitchen

This week, I got to spend time in the kitchen. This week's kitchen-time has been all about making "real" food, but I have some other, not-suitable-for-dinner recipes lined up that I want to try. So, here are some of my adventures from this week. Nothing fancy, mind you, but it was good food, and it filled me up.

On Monday night, I made my very first pizza from scratch! I got the recipe for the dough here from Annie's Eats, and I loved it. I also loved that her instructions involve the use of a stand mixer (which I just got for Christmas!!).The recipe makes enough for two pizzas, so I have the other half in my freezer for the next time I'm hankerin' for some good pizza. The toppings are pretty simple, as I chose to make my favorite pizza. [For future reference, it's Hawaiian pizza. :) Plenty of pineapple and ham.]

*By the way, the pizza also reheats well.

This probably doesn't really count as a kitchen adventure, but it is something that I whipped (well, blended) up several times this week. What you see in this cup is my version of a green smoothie. What's in it, you ask? Well, it's pretty simple. Here's my go-to recipe:

Basic Green Smoothie (yields about 4 cups)
     -a few handfuls of baby spinach
     -1 large orange, peeled and segmented
     -1 banana, cut into pieces
     -about 1 cup of blueberries
     -1/2 cup plain nonfat Greek yogurt
     -1 cup skim milk
     -a few handfuls of ice cubes.

Just throw it all in the blender, and start it up! This usually makes a LOT of smoothie. We're talking about 4 cups worth here, depending on the size of your fruit and the amount of ice you use. I've been separating it into two 16-ounce servings, with one for right then and the other going into the refrigerator for the next day, but you could easily split it into four servings and either share them or freeze/refrigerate them for later.

*Don't worry, you don't actually taste the spinach. It just makes everything green and adds tons of vitamins. I'm actually hoping that by drinking these, I will get over this miserable cold faster!

This was tonight's dinner. I didn't make the pesto spread, but aside from that, I got the recipe for this Turkey Bagel Burger from The Pioneer Woman, aka Ree Drummond. Have I mentioned how much I love her? Because I do. I am enamored with her. And even though she uses entirely too much butter (have I mentioned that I think butter is kind of disgusting?), I am convinced that she can do no wrong in the kitchen. The second season of her show on Food Network premiered last Saturday, and I missed it because I am a dum-dum. For some reason, I forgot that when she said it would be on at 10 a.m., that she was referring to Eastern time. For me, it was on at 9 a.m. Alas, I missed it. But I will not be missing it tomorrow morning! I set several alarms just in case. (Side note: The Pioneer Woman was also on Paula's Best Dishes this evening. Paula and Ree on the same show, in the same episode? I was simply beside myself.) Anyway, before I let my love for the Pioneer Woman get me sidetracked, I was talking about my dinner. A simple turkey burger (recipe linked above) on an everything bagel (I used a Thomas Bagel-Thin), with the toppings I had in my refrigerator. The mess on the right side of the plate is just some onions, mushrooms, and green pepper that I cooked up.

In other Pioneer Woman news, I had ordered her cookbook last week, and UPS brought it to me on Tuesday! I was so excited. I am definitely itching to try my hands at making her cinnamon rolls, along with just about everything else she included (most of it with drastic reductions in the amount of butter used). But just like any other reasonable woman, I have priorities. And those cinnamon rolls are definitely a priority!



Tuesday night, I made a baked pasta dish from the Taste of Home website. I'm still undecided about whether or not I liked it enough to share it. I'll probably make that decision after I reheat some for tomorrow's dinner, and we'll see if it's photogenic enough to post about.


After just those three recipes, I am set on food for quite awhile once you factor in that I eat simple sandwiches every day for lunch. Yay for having a full freezer!



*Please pardon the pictures in this post. They were all taken with my cell phone (not the smart variety).

Thankful Thursdays: Back to School Edition

Well, somehow I managed to miss my actual Thursday posting again. I've kind of been in a fog this week, and I'm hoping it's just from lack of sleep and that I'm not actually getting sick. Without any further ado,  here we go!

This week, some of the things I have been thankful for include:

God's grace.

Mitch.

My friends.

Coffee. And any form of caffeine.

Being back in Springfield.

A working car.

And today, I am thankful that I don't have class until 8:30 on Fridays. (I got to sleep in!)



What are some of the things that you've been thankful for this week?

Thankful Thursdays: Week 2

In all honesty, I did not want to write this post today. I wanted to just pretend that I hadn't committed myself to sharing the things I am thankful for each week. If you're actually reading this and haven't already tuned out, you might be wondering, "Why, Emily?" Well, however flawed, here are my reasons:

I'm angry, hurting, and feeling isolated. I am fed up with doctors and anything medically-related. I'm finding out that God's plan for me just may be something different than what I thought, and I feel robbed. Cheated. And angry. I know that God's plan is perfect, and that He has something better for me, but that is a really hard concept to grasp right now.

Now that I have that out in the open, I'm going to take a short break from my pity-party and share some of the things I'm thankful for this week.

I am thankful for my beautiful friend, Kaitlyn. Even though we live very far apart, I know she is there for me. I miss her all the time, and I am so thankful that our friendship has endured both teh years and the distance.

I'm thankful for my Grandma. Even though she drives me crazy sometimes, I still enjoy the chances that I get to sit down with her and just chat about anything and everything.

I'm thankful for my sweet friend Ashley (the one in the middle). Just last night, she texted me at the perfect time. I wish we got to spend more time together, but I know we're going to make the most of our time before she leaves to go to school in China.

And I am definitely thankful for Mitch. Right now, he's on his way to pick me up so I can go to yet another medical appointment. He has been nothing but supportive of me, and it has helped so much.



Well, that just about wraps it up for this week. Tune in next Thursday, and I'll *try* to keep this blog a pity-party-free zone in the future.

Until next time, I'm curious: What are you thankful for?

Thankful Thursdays: A Day Late

Remember last weekend when I said that I was going to start posting every week and sharing some of the things I was thankful for? Well, it seems that I'm already slacking. I had every intention of posting yesterday, but life got in the way. (Maybe someday when I'm way past it and it's somehow become a funny story, I'll share it with you. Until then, just know that it was not a good day.)

So, without further ado, here are some of the things that I have been thankful for this week:

-God. His mercies, His Faithfulness, His Power, the list could just go on forever.




-Mitch. That boy is so good to me.




-family. When we're not all yelling, we can actually have a pretty good time.




-coffee. Man oh man, I don't know what I would have done without coffee this week. Between coffee dates and just needing caffeine, it helped pull everything together.




-A car that heats up quickly. Remember that time when Missouri actually had winter for a few days? Yeah, it was nice to stay warm.


We know what I'm thankful for this week, so now it's your turn. What are you thankful for?


Half of mine aren't the most serious things in the world, but if you're constantly focusing on the huge elements of life, then you miss the little joys of the everyday. Here's to finding joy, having a grateful heart, and [hopefully] a more on-time Thankful Thursday post next week!

Until then,

Emily

Good-bye, 2011

Well, this has been an interesting break so far. And this whole year has just been something else. Let's do a quick recap.

In 2011:
-I changed my major.
-I saw way more doctors than I really cared to.
-I think I actually bonded with people.
-I lost just over 25% of my body weight.
-I learned how to say "no".
-I started to attempt the art of baking.
-I realized what a great community I've been blessed with.
-I gave up on some draining "friendships", and
-I built some better ones.
-I missed my best friend like crazy.
-I learned that even though we're used to being a long-distance couple, it gets harder all the time.
-I learned that I don't have as many limits as I thought, but also that
-I'm not SuperWoman.

I smiled, I cried. I laughed and sang. This has probably been the best year yet, and that makes me excited to see what comes in 2012.


Being the planner that I am, I've already been thinking about 2012 and what I'm expecting and looking forward to.
-Getting a roommate.
-Growing in everything.
-Loving more.
-Learning more.
-Trusting more.
-Finally getting answers about my back.
-Actually taking time to slow down.

And hopefully, those answers will be coming in the next few weeks. That's all I'm going to say right now, because I still feel like I don't know anything. As I am typing this, I am literally waiting on a phone call that will tell me what my next step is and what my near future will hold. Fun, right?

For 2012, I decided that I'm going to keep a gratitude journal. To keep ourselves accountable, my friend and I will both blog about some of our entries at least once a week. I am definitely looking forward to doing this! I'm getting myself a nice journal tonight so I'll be more motivated to keep up with it. Another fun project I'm wanting to do is keep a "memory jar" to go through next year on New Year's Eve. (There are so many good ideas on Pinterest!)

So, here we go. Just 7 hours left of 2011, and I am looking forward to the adventures that are ahead of me. Happy New Year!

Back after a long absence

Well, hi there! It's been a while since I've last posted. Since the end of August, I've just been going nonstop with school and everything. So, here's to playing catch-up!

On my Weight Loss:
     I have now lost over 50 lbs, and I am smaller than I ever thought was possible. This week, I bought a pair of jeans...in a size 4. My very first pair of size 4 pants. I am still shocked, even though I'm wearing them right now. I cannot thank God enough for the courage to start this journey, for the self-control to continue it, and the determination to carry it through even when it got hard. I'm not exactly done yet - I still have 4 or 5 lbs to go - but I'm getting closer every day.
     There are days and times when I look into the mirror and shock myself. I don't know if I just forget how I look, or if my mirror is playing tricks on me. But sometimes, I look into the mirror, and it looks like I'm tall and skinny. And I like it.
     It's been a struggle recently to not be "afraid" of food. I don't mean that I've been terrified of food, like I think it'll attack me or something. But when I would be faced with a situation where I didn't prepare my own meal, or I didn't have a chance to look up the restaurant's nutrition info before going, it would make me very nervous. I'm working on growing out of that, but I know that it will be a lesson to be re-learning for months to come. I am making progress, though.

On school:
     Classes are going well! I passed the piano proficiency exam last week, so I was very happy about that. I'm singing next Friday for regional NATS, so I've been working hard to prepare for that. I got some really positive comments from the judges at local NATS a few weeks ago.

On everything else:
     I've been experimenting in the kitchen these past few weeks. Mostly just trying out recipes that I find online. So far, I've had a lot of success, and my current thing to make is cinnamon applesauce. I could easily eat my weight in that stuff and be perfectly content. I love spending time in my kitchen and preparing meals. I can't wait until I "grow up" and actually have someone to cook for besides just myself.

And now, it's back to the practice room!